Category: Healthy Relationships
How to Rekindle a Marriage or Relationship: Part 2
How can you rekindle a marriage or relationship? When you think, “there’s no emotional connection,” it really hurts. It’s only human to spring into action. There’s an urge to “fix it” and attack the issue at its source. This is especially true when something important is at stake, like our closest relationship.
But when partners think the way to bring closeness back is to fix their partner’s flaws, things can quickly go from bad to worse. Patterns like blaming are common in relationships. But they make it harder to rekindle love and affection. Restoring romance and intimacy starts with recognizing and stopping negative patterns (Part 1).
Fortunately, the science behind relationships, love, and attachment has come a long way. We can build more positive patterns into relationships to deal with problems in healthier ways.
Researchers like Dr. Sue Johnson, Dr. Brené Brown and Drs. John and Julie Gottman have learned from decades of data in their work with couples and individuals.
They identified different patterns and qualities that rekindle relationships and keep them … Come Read the Rest
How to Bring Intimacy Back Into A Relationship: Part 1
Couples want to know what to do when the spark fades in their marriage or committed partnership. How can a couple that is struggling bring intimacy back into a relationship?
Couples find themselves having little or no sex for many reasons. Some of the most common reasons romance disappears are:
- A loss of emotional intimacy
- A pursue-withdraw dynamic has developed
- Few patterns exist to build openness, trust, and safety
Despite these challenges, couples can bring the spark back in their marriage. They can rekindle the spark by finding ways to be more emotionally present to themselves and each other.
There’s No Magic Needed to Bring Intimacy Back
Good sexual chemistry may seem like something magical. This is the feeling people often think of when they want to bring intimacy back. Early in a relationship, couples seem able to look past each other’s flaws easily. They are living examples of the saying, “Love is blind.”
Even the idea of “falling in love” implies a force of attraction that is out of our control. It’s as … Come Read the Rest
Why You Need to Restore Emotional Connection When You Argue
For a relationship to feel good, both partners need to feel safe in each other’s care. They need to talk through what problems come up, understand each other, and still enjoy the relationship, even if they can’t agree on every issue. That’s what secure emotional connection does.
At their best, partners create positive ways to talk about the good and the bad:
- They learn to express themselves gently so the other can and hear and respond.
- They speak for themselves and their own feelings, so that neither has to seek protection from attacks or criticism.
- They turn kindly toward each other even when problems come up.
These are some of the way strong couples manage to keep a positive climate of emotional connection between them.
Some partners have more success than others in handling disagreements. Fortunately we’ve learned a lot about how to protect your relationship when you argue.
Disconnection Is Usually the Real Problem
When we’re feeling unsure or unheard, especially with a loved one, two things happen. First, partners feel shut … Come Read the Rest
How to Manage Feelings With Perspective-Taking
The way you look at things — your perspective — has a lot to do with your mental health and happiness. Abraham Lincoln said, “Most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” That says something about the power of perspective-taking.
But do we really have control over our emotions through point of view? You could argue that we can’t help feeling what we feel.
Emotions Are Both Automatic and Manageable
It’s true that emotions can just happen. That’s a good thing. When a baby is hungry or scared or hurt, it becomes upset. The baby’s cries help ensure needed care arrives.
In adult life, when your partner doesn’t come home as expected, you worry. Voicing your concern would (ideally) help you both adjust to improve your trust and safety. If someone you care about smiles and says, “I’m so glad you’re in my life,” you would probably feel good. You might share the feeling of happiness back in some way. These emotions arise naturally.
Yet we also need to function … Come Read the Rest
How to Keep Love Growing in a Relationship (2019)
“Love has a kind of magic. It’s able to do amazing things.” That’s what researcher Dr. John Gottman said about great friendships and love relationships, in a TEDx talk.
Social science tells us, those who enjoy healthy friendships and love also enjoy:
- Greater physical health
- Greater mental health
- Greater wealth
- Longer life (10-15 years longer)
- More successful children
Despite these benefits, we know about half of US marriages end in divorce. Knowing so many relationships die before partners can enjoy the gifts of long-term love is sad. What don’t we know? What we can learn?
Falling in love is terrific. You feel fireworks without even trying. You’re so happy together. You feel excited, desired, and thrilled to give and receive attention. That’s not the problem.
The challenge is learning how to make love grow after it starts.
Why Lasting Love Takes Different Work than First Love
Lasting love is different, because now you’ve had a chance to annoy each other. Can you still let the good times roll? Can you still feel positive right … Come Read the Rest
How to Get a Resistant Teen Into Therapy
You may have decided to get your teen into counseling because an issue has you concerned. Signs your teen may need therapy include:
- Your teen’s life seems full of anxiety or stress.
- You’re worried about how much time they spend online or gaming.
- You’re fighting all the time. You may want to connect in a more positive way.
- Your child may be out a lot, and you’re worried about the lack of contact.
- Your teenager seems shut down.
- You’re worried about risky behaviors, such as cutting, alcohol or drug use.
- You can see your son or daughter is emotional or hurting, and you don’t know how to help.
You want to be supportive. You want to see your child happy, enjoying friends, and embracing life.
But sometimes it seems your words and your love can’t get through. Your family may simply need more resources, especially if your relationship is strained at the moment.
Why Some Teens Resist Therapy
One challenge of raising a teenager is that everything is in flux. Your child is indeed thinking, … Come Read the Rest
Family Therapy: You Don’t Need a Crisis to Benefit
“Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”Bessel van der Kolk, MD, from The Body Keeps Score
When I think about a family, I think about a place where it’s okay to be who you are, and feel safe. Family therapy is where we help you build a system of safety and support together.
In a healthy family, you feel you belong in its circle of friendship and care. You know deep down you don’t need to have a perfect body, a certain kind of success, or a pre-approved lifestyle to feel accepted as a member.
Family life teaches you about boundaries – your own, and how to honor each other’s. You learn what you’re afraid of, what makes you happy, and how joy grows when you celebrate together. In a healthy family, you feel able to trust each other with your needs and stand up for yourself when you need to.
Family Therapy Helps… Come Read the Rest
The Purpose of Marriage: To Secure Your Safety and Connection First
Three relationship experts share their findings about the purpose of marriage for strength, safety and belonging.
Drs. John Gottman, Sue Johnson, and Stan Tatkin have studied how relationships impact each partner’s sense of wellbeing. They identified traits of healthy relationships and the struggles or weaknesses of troubled marriages in their research. Here’s what each might say on the purpose of marriage (non-religious):
Dr. John Gottman: Marriage is where partners learn to build a rich climate of friendship, love, respect, and meaning.
Dr. John Gottman once told a crowd: “For a relationship to feel right, it has to be a very rich climate of affection and humor and fun and intimacy and empathy.”
That doesn’t mean you should avoid talking about what’s not working.
Being happily married isn’t about denying problems. That’s not even possible.
It surprises many to learn, most issues married couples argue about aren’t solvable. Even in happy marriages about 2/3 (69%) of problems don’t go away. They keep showing up in one form or another.
But partners who stay happy make sure … Come Read the Rest
How to Ease Someone’s Troubles by Holding Space
“I need space.” You’ve probably heard this or said it. What does that even mean? It’s about holding space for emotions. To understand each other and ourselves, we need to make room for thoughts and feelings.
Holding space is essential to wellbeing and relationships. It’s like giving a gift of gentle attention to yourself or someone else. To make sense of what we think and feel, we need each other’s input. We learn about the world and ourselves through relationships.
Holding space is about being present and emotionally available. Noticing your emotions makes them more manageable. Tuning into emotions is vital to connecting with others who are important to you.
What Does It Mean to Hold Space?
A definition of holding space is: To notice thoughts and feelings within you and between you and another person, to acknowledge them.
Another good definition is from Connor Beaton’s guide for men about holding space:
Holding space is the process of witnessing and validating someone else’s emotional state while simultaneously being present to your own.
Holding space … Come Read the Rest
3 Relationships Skills that will Impact Your Happiness
We’re bombarded with ideas for building happiness in relationships. Media show smiling parents, laughing children, and romantic partners basking in the glow of love.
Here are 3 science-based skills that help build happiness in relationships. They can help you move toward more meaningful connections in your life.
- Get to know your attachment style
- Nurture affection
- Develop self-compassion
1) Get to know your attachment style.
We know that parent-child relationships have a huge impact on how we learn to relate. Research on attachment styles explains a lot about why people approach relationships the way they do.
A basic definition of attachment is a deep emotional connection with another person for protection and comfort. An attachment bond can span space and time.
Infants naturally seek someone to attach to for safety and soothing. So do adults.
Based on that first relationship, we learn we can either 1) feel secure, 2) avoid closeness, 3) reject emotional needs, or 4) expect … Come Read the Rest