Tag: Sue Johnson

 
Secure Attachment is a safety cue

How Secure Attachment Makes Relationships Work Better

Have you ever looked at a loved one’s photo and felt happy? After sharing a problem with someone who understands, did a wave of peace and calm wash over you?

You might enjoy such feelings because of a special emotional bond called secure attachment.

“A secure bond is…. a vital safety cue for your nervous system – one that colors the world as manageable – and basically safe enough to explore and enjoy,” says researcher Dr. Sue Johnson:

“Such a bond is also where we trust that a person will respond to us emotionally…. This does not mean that they will always be able to protect us or solve our problems. It means that we will not face these problems alone.”

We Are Born With the Need for Secure Love

secure attachment is an inborn needIt’s natural to want a lasting emotional connection with another person. We have an inborn need for secure attachment. It’s vital to our sense of safety and wellbeing.

We start looking for someone to turn to from birth. One of the first things … Come Read the Rest

emotional connection and attachment theory

How to Find Deeper Love by Understanding Attachment

We want closeness. But all couples fight sometimes. The biggest mistake in a relationship isn’t having arguments. What gets couples in big trouble is avoiding the emotions involved.

Couples can create closer emotional connection with each other, or drive themselves apart. It depends on the way they share emotions. You can make huge positive changes in your relationship by knowing more about emotional attachment.

Couples often seek counseling to stop “fighting all the time about the same stupid things.” The fights usually aren’t just about sex, money, habits, housekeeping, work, or any other topic.

Most couples are really arguing out of desperate isolation and frustration. They feel emotionally starved for connection with each other. They are fighting against something that threatens their need for safe attachment.

The connection between distress and attachment can be hard to see at first. Most couples need a bridge to take them from painful fighting to re-connection so they feel understood, accepted and soothed.

Now, thanks to new knowledge about attachment between adults, we can build that bridge.

Love

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Avoid contempt to stop constant arguing

4 Toxic Relationship Patterns You Need to Know

Every relationship hits rough patches.

But when you constantly feel hurt, ignored or rejected, it is natural to ask whether there is something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.

The key to a better relationship is how well you recognize blocks to emotional connection, and fix them.

Recognize Bad Advice

Most well meant advice on how to handle conflict doesn’t help you deal with emotional disconnection.

When you were growing up, how many times did you hear someone say:

“If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!”

“If you are right, you never have to say you are, “Sorry.”

“Just ignore them, and they will stop.”

 “Stick and stones can break your bones, but names can never hurt you.”

Sometimes we put too much emphasis on being “nice,” at the expense of saying what you need. Too often, we’re told to disregard our human pain when in conflict with others. In relationships, we need tools to gently explore and name what we feel inside, or notice in someone else.

When we hit … Come Read the Rest

accepting differences

A Science-Based Secret to Resolving Differences with Your Partner

Accepting InfluenceHe works long hours; she wants him home for dinner as a family. He likes their place tidy; she forgets to put things away. She wants to hear what he’s thinking; he’s mum.

Couples can fight about almost anything. What matters to their overall happiness is how they learn to resolve their differences. Why do some couples go from conflict back to closeness, while others grow apart? Being able to accept our partner’s influence is key to getting along well.

The Fear of Disconnection

A common — but mistaken — hope is that “getting my way” will make everything all right. When a couple sees that their relationship is in danger, underneath is an urgent need to re-align.

“Our loved one is our shelter in life,” explains psychologist and researcher Sue Johnson. At the first sign of trouble — perceived indifference, rejection, dismissal or abandonment — something inside goes into panic mode. If we think we have lost our partner’s understanding, our fear may drive us to restore it as fast as we can. … Come Read the Rest